200 Funny Quotes — Witty Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud

Funny Quotes: When it comes to medicine, the proverb goes that laughter is the greatest cure. Moreover, this ancient proverb is true. It’s a good idea to laugh when you’re having a terrible day or when someone you care about is feeling down. There are many ways to make someone smile and lift their spirits when they read this collection of amusing quotations. It doesn’t matter whether that person is you! Love, marriage, aging, parenthood, and so many more themes are all covered in our collection of amusing quotations.. If you’re looking for a little reminder that life isn’t that serious and that we’re all better off laughing rather than crying, then these are the quotes for you!

Here are 240 of the best funny quotes I could find. The goal? To make you relax, laugh and have a good time. You’ll discover quotes by Bill Murray, Tina Fey, Jim Carrey, and more. Enjoy!

#1. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

#2. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” —Kevin Malone, The Office

#3. “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for years.” —Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias

Funny Quotes About Work and Funny Quotes That Are Self Deprecating

#4. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg

#5. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ―Mae West

#6. “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” ―Bill Watterson

#7. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” —Stanley Hudson, The Office

Funny Quotes

#8. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ―W.C. Fields

#9. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” —Joan Rivers

#10. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown

#11. Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir

#12. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

#13. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” —Michael Scott, The Office

Short Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines and images

#14. I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright

#15. I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

#16. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” —Mark Twain

#17. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray

#18. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” —Zach Galifianakis

#19. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

#20. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

#21. This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

#22. “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ―Isaac Asimov

#23. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ―Mae West

#24. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ―Mindy Kaling

#25. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright

#26. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” —James Branch Cabell

#27. ​​”Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I would not do that thing.” —Dwight Schrute, The Office

#28. “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” ―Oscar Wilde

#29. ​​”Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” ―Albert Einstein

#30. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” —Elbert Hubbard

#31. “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” —Lily Tomlin

#32. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ―Cathy Guisewite

#33. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown

#34. “I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz

#35. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb

#36. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” —W.C. Fields

#37. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

#38. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

The Best Funny Quotes

#40. I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

#41. Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

#42. “Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.

#43. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

#44. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

#45. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

#46. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

#47. My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)

#48. A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

#49. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright

#50. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

#51. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

#52. People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray

#53. That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

#54. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

#55. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

#56. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

#57. The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

#58. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

#59. I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg

#60. I came from a really tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

#61. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

Short Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines

#63. What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’? Unknown

#64. We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds

#65. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ―Winston S. Churchill

#66. You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger of music. Jim Carrey (wikipedia.org)

#67. “Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher

#68. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

#69. I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso

#70. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ―Will Rogers

#71. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

#72. All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

#73. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” —Oscar Wilde

#74. I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright

#75. Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore

#76. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

#77. The grass is always greener on the side that’s fertilized with bullshit. Unknown

#78. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” —Judith Martin

#79. “I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ” ―Jerry Lewis

#80. “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock

#81. The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis

#82. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott

#83. One-liners, short funny quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds.

#84. “Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.” —Mark Twain

#85. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ―Bill Watterson

#86. Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock

#87. “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” ―Golda Meir

#88. What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

#89. “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never has any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

#90. Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey

#91. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

#92. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” —Mark Twain

#93. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Joan Rivers

#94. “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” —Betty White

#95. When nothing is going right, go left. Unknown

#96. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

#97. “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.” ―Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Quotes About Work

#99. “You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.” —Zig Ziglar

#100. “Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” —Jim Halpert, The Office

#101. “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” —Sarah Brown

#102. “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” —Phyllis Diller

#103. “So this is my life — until I win the lottery.” —Jim Halpert, The Office

#104. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov

#105. “I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” —Joan Rivers

#106. “Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” —Will Rogers

#107. “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ―Jerome K. Jerome

#108. “A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” ―George Bernard Shaw

#109. “Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.” —Ellen DeGeneres

#110. “Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” —Marcelene Cox

#111. “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” —Michael Scott, The Office

#112. “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” —David Lee Roth

#113. “The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.” —Ann Landers

#114. “Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.” —Neil Gaiman

#115. ​​”I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ―Charles Lamb

#116. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.” —Mark Twain

#117. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” —Oscar Wilde

Funny Quotes That Are Self-Deprecating

#119. I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. Unknown

#120. I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are. Matt Bellassai

#121. I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker

#122. What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date. Unknown

#123. Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls. Unknown

#124. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” —George Burns

#125. If you are hotter than me it means I’m cooler than you. Pakalu Papito

#126. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Sir Norman Wisdom

#127. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown

#128. I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode. Unknown

#129. I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes. Unknown

#130. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge? Unknown

#131. I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking. Unknown

#132. If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

#133. I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright

#134. I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny

#135. “​​Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marching’ across your face.” —Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

#136. “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” —Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

#137. “Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. Aparna Nancherla

#138. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

#139. Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time. Unknown

#140. I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass. #FitnessGoals Bill Burr

#141. My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. Unknown

#142. In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. Aparna Nancherla

#143. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” —Lucille Ball

#144. Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face. Unknown

#145. I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice. Pakalu Papito

#146. “People say, ‘How do you stay looking so young?’ I say, “Well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” —Dolly Parton

#147. I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. Unknown

#148. “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.” —Luis Buñuel

#149. “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” —Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

#150. You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than I am.

#151. My brain has too many tabs open. Unknown

#152. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” —Joan Rivers

Funny Sayings, Twisted Humor, Quirky Lines And Sarcastic Sayings

#154. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln

#155. Men cannot live by bread alone; they must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield

#156. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

#157. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

#158. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

#159. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis

#160. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

#161. Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no. Unknown

#162. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield

#163. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too. Unknown

#164. Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey

#165. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright

#166. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

#167. I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean. Zach Galifianakis

#168. Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister

#169. I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. Unknown

#170. You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

Funny Quotes for Friends

#172. “Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.” —Meryl Streep

#173. “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” —Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls

#174. “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” —Charlotte Whitton

#175. “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” —Eleanor Roosevelt

#176. “I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.” —Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

#177. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” —Ernest Hemingway

#178. “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” —Oprah Winfrey

#179. “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

#180. ​​”My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” —Garry Shandling

#181. “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” —Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

#182. “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” —Cindy Crawford

#183. “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” —Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

#184. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” ―Groucho Marx

#185. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

#186. “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” —Pam Beesly, The Office

#187. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” —Rita Mae Brown

#188. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

Funny Quotes About Marriage

#190. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

#191. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” —Pauline Thomason

#192. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” —Jerry Seinfeld

#193. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” —Jean Illsley Clarke

#194. “Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.” —P.J. O’Rourke

#195. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” —Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

#196. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” —Albert Einstein

#197. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” —Erma Bombeck

#198. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” —Dolly Parton

#199. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

#200. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Shirley MacLaine

#201. “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” —Ralphie May

#202. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey

#203. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

#204. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller

#205. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ―Phyllis Diller

#206. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

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